As I have led on, here is a story about my first girlfriend. I like how Rick Sanchez thinks about relationships: “The thing people call love, is just a chemical reaction connected to animalistic mating instincts. It hits hard in the beginning but then fades away and you are stuck in a failed marriage.” I personally wouldn’t go as far as one of the greatest comical minds of our time, but I do agree with him a little bit.
I was 13 when I had my first girlfriend. For a lot of you that might sound a little bit young and you think that it must have been a childish thing. I can just tell you that it felt real for me at the time. Before I had my first kiss I let Youtube teach me all I needed to know. I spent hours watching videos how the first kiss should happen with someone you really liked. Let me tell you how I got to know her first.
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, my neighbour and his Bosnian countryman played soccer outside. In my town, there were 3 soccer-fields. One was usually reserved for the first team and us kids were only allowed if there was no sign on the field that said it was prohibited. So, it was always a big deal for us when we got to use the main court. Me and my boys played our silly games but because we were only a trio we were looking for another playmate. Next to the soccer-field sat a close friend of my sister and her friend. We asked them if they
wanted to join our game and the promptly agreed. They beat us quite badly but it was still a lot of fun. When I got home I went to check my messages. It was the time before Facebook and Instagram were even a thing. MSN and Netlog were still popular back then. If you don’t know those two; MSN was a chat room where you could text, play games and talk over the webcam. Netlog was sort of like Facebook or Instagram where you could post pictures but you had the option to see who visited your profile and how often they did so. So, you could basically stalk other people. When I opened my mails, I had a notification that I got a new contact on MSN. Back then it was our goal to get as many contacts as possible, kind of like it is today with followers on Insta, so I usually had a lot of requests because everyone followed everyone, whether you knew them or not. But on that day, one name immediately caught my
eye because I had heard it earlier that day. I didn’t pay much attention to it though. If I could go back I would do a lot of things differently.
I messaged her and acted like I didn’t know who she was. I asked her questions like: “Where did you get my MSN address from?” We texted for about six months and met up on a regular basis until we reached the point where I wanted to get out of the friend-zone and tell her how I felt. I was 13 at the time and the whole thing had quite an impact on me. I can’t find the words to describe my feelings for her. It just felt right. Let me tell you a little bit about her in order for you to understand a little bit better why I fell in love with her. These are my subjective opinions so bear with me. For me she is incomparable with anyone else up until this day. Her smile left me breathless. Her behaviour was the complete opposite of myself. Because of her I realised why the saying; “opposites attract” was so popular.
She was so nice and when we got more serious, we kept it a secret for a while. She wanted to keep it a secret more than me though. Facebook just got popular and I wanted to flex right away and show everybody that we were a thing. Looking back, I regret that a little bit because it was really special when it was still our secret. The people who were close to me would have known without Facebook but even they never really saw us together. We usually met somewhere we were sure no one would bother us and just cuddled and talked for hours because we had such different views of the world.
Relationships are based on differences and compromises. At the end, we could always agree on whatever we were discussion though, except for one thing. When was I allowed to kiss her? It took a long time until she allowed me to kiss her. The reason was because she wanted our first kiss to be spontaneous and cliché. But me being a thirsty nigga couldn’t wait that long. Winter was coming and it was time to introduce my first girlfriend to my family. My mom still gives me a hard time about it to this day. How I started cleaning my room a week before and arranged everything meticulously. I invited her on a Saturday afternoon but of course on exactly that day my relatives came to visit. We watched WALL.E together and after a month of waiting I gathered all my courage and kissed her. I had butterflies in my stomach and I knew that never wanted to forget that moment. When I changed schools, we started to see each other less right away and two weeks later she stopped contacting me altogether. That time was already hard enough for me. I really struggled with going back and forth between Sins and Zurich together with having to make new friends and everything that comes with that. Now I am telling you a secret that to this day only my wannabe black friend knew. (He is a ginger and calls himself “Day-Walker”) I was at rock bottom because I just changed schools and my girlfriend had been ignoring me for two weeks. I told him to send her a text that I had cheated on her. With only four words I completely changed every future relationship I will ever have. She contacted me immediately. Me being a stupid kid tried to act all tough and didn’t give her a real answer to her simple question if I had cheated on her. She got mad and stopped messaging me. Now there is a message that all the newly single bois can get behind. A man only realises what he had after it is gone. Right after she stopped talking to me I realised that I had fucked up and tried to reach her again. Without success. She didn’t want to hear my apologies nor an explanation. That was the first time I cried because of a woman and was left heartbroken. That time really was hell for me. When she broke up with me I tried to supress my emotions. The problem was that I just warped into other emotions like anger, fear and disappointment even though I knew that it was all my fault. The only thing that helped me during that time was soccer. The guys in my team were like family for me. Weeks later she wanted to talk to me and it turned into an on/off relationship that lasted about a year. After that it really ended because you just moved into different directions as people. I started going out more and tried to drown my sorrows that way. Unfortunately sleeping with countless other women didn’t help at all and up until about 3 years ago I was still thinking about her. What changed my mind? Ç years ago, I sent her a message to congratulate for her birthday. It started the first conversation we had in years and she wanted to talk to me about something urgently. It was the coldest day of the year with -13C. You have no idea how much clothes I put on that day. The conversation went really well and she told me that she imagines us to meet again years later somewhere in the world when are both older with a lot of experience under our belt. Half a year later I talked to a friend of mine and she asked me why I wasn’t able to commit to anyone anymore. And I just wanted to tell someone about all this. I didn’t do it as extensive as I do now but I told her a hardcore short version of everything. Everything that happened, what could have been and that I had met her again recently. Her feedback was: “That girl still wants you.” Right after that I called her up and asked her to meet me because I wanted to talk to her. She told me that she couldn’t right now because she was right before her final exams and that it probably wouldn’t work out for a while because she was just so busy. Finals I understand but the second part was a little suspicious so I asked her why she won’t have time after her exams. I wish to this day I hadn’t asked her that. Because a little later she texted me: „I am in a relationship”. I went from heaven to hell real fast. I didn’t know what to do after that and I didn’t have anybody to talk about because me and my best homie had gotten into a fight. I woke up the next day with the realisation that I just had to delete her from my mind. After that I had no contact to her again and also didn’t have feelings for her anymore. Up until I met her just before I started my traveling adventure. I gotta tell you this woman gets more and more beautiful every time you see her. But I didn’t feel anything towards her anymore it was just really awkward honestly. I would like to tell you the ultimate turnoff but I think this has been enough lovey dovey for one day.
thanks for your time and support.
see you soon.